i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
