college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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