I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
