and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
