don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The adults are the big ones right?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
