We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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