you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
