I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
