you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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