It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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