shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
