dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
