Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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