Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So much rum. So many feels.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
