The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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