Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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