Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Only a mothe r could love this liver
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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