My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
