I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
