Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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