just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
