Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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