Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize