I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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