If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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