you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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