If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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