At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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