I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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