# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
