I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
