I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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