I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
