I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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