I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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