i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
