All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm eating all of the evidence.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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