Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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