worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
