i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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