dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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