dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
