I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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