you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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