You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
