She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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