I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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