Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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