Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
