Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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