I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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