Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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