I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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