Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
