thus making me awesome and them whores
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
