i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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