somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm like, not good at living.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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