When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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